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Friday Five Fast Film Reviews (August 29th)

Five Fast Film Reviews

Gremlins (1984)
Official Score: 3 out of 5

This is really just a fun movie that I loved as a kid and I still enjoy today. As a Christmas present, a man buys his son a strange creature known as a mogwai, which he names Gizmo. Naturally, through a comedy of errors, the rules of caring for the creature are broken and little monsters soon take over the town.

~ Sandman

Spartacus and the Ten Gladiators (1964)
Official Score: 1 out of 5

It should be a crime for anything with Spartacus in the title to be bad, and yet this Italian film is probably one of the worst sword-and-sandal adventure films that I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Apparently the second entry in a Ten Gladiators trilogy, the film isn’t so much focused on Spartacus as it is Roccia and nine other gladiators. Spartacus here has very little in common with historical Spartacus. A comedy when it shouldn’t be, this is one gladiator tale that wasn’t worth telling and certainly is worth wasting 99 minutes on.

~ Gary

Noah (2014)
Official Score: 2 out of 5

The director of this movie, Darren Aronofsky, has been quoted as saying that this is the least Biblical Bible movie ever made, and this is one case where I think he might have been better served staying a little closer to the source material, which as you may recall from Sunday School is plenty wild enough on its own. The Noah presented in this movie is an unlikable asshole played by the king of unlikable assholes (Russel Crowe), and the story is a weird mix of the Hobbit meets Transformers, meets Ferngully. Giant rock monsters (the Nephilim) and a bizarre family storyline that sees Noah convinced his job is to murder his newborn grandchildren and assorted other out there shenanigans made this one more of a head scratcher than an eye catcher for yours truly.

~ Jules

School Ties (1992)
Official Score: 4 out of 5

Brendan Fraser stars as all-league high school quarterback David Greene is recruited to attend a private, all boys prep school near Boston. All goes well early on, he makes many friends, falls in love with a flat chested girl, the football team wins games, then his terrible secret is revealed: David is Jewish(this movie takes place in the 50’s mind you). Naturally shit hits the fan, and many he thought were his friends turn on him. Very good flick. Watch it when you get a chance.

~ Sandman

The Starving Games (2013)
Official Score: 0 out of 5

This is without question one of the worst movies I have ever seen, even worse than the above mentioned Ten Gladiator’s film. As the name implies, it’s a parody of The Hunger Games. Imagine Meet the Spartans, and think somehow even worse. I would give it a half star if we had them on our scale because I cracked a smile once or twice, but it was certainly never funny. Just absolutely horrible. Maiara Walsh, you’re better than this trash.

~ Gary

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About Gary Smith (1031 Articles)
I'm Gary Smith, aka "PatriotPaine." I'm the Editor-in-Chief of VortexEffect.net. I'm usually posting news and reviews, and doing all the back end stuff as well. I like to play games, watch movies, wrestling, and college football (Roll Tide Roll).

1 Comment on Friday Five Fast Film Reviews (August 29th)

  1. To Sandman: It’s been a long damn time since I’ve seen School Ties, and it would have been late night on TV with me only half paying attention. That may be something I need to go and revisit if you give it a 4 star review there.

    Like

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