The young impressionable English lit major (note: only female authors who type with one hand down their pants normally have the audacity to make their heroine an English lit major) Anastasia Steele begins a tortured romance with reclusive millionaire Christian Grey in a movie bad enough to make me reconsider my stance on eugenics.
In order to hold on to my man card I must first admit my seeing this movie was strictly the result of my wife renting it and my being an awesome husband and agreeing to forego my urge to DO ANYTHING ELSE IN THE F******! WORLD besides watch this film.
That said, I really tried folks. I tried to give it a chance, but 50 Shades just fails on every level.
This movie wants to be a mix of Basic Instinct and Pretty Woman. Compared to the former, it is a tame attempt at sexual titillation without any real drama or stakes. Compared to the latter, I will only say that by the end of Pretty Woman, I was genuinely rooting for the couple of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, while at the end of 50 Shades, I was only rooting for both of these cardboard cutouts to get the hell off my television.
It doesn’t really inspire much confidence when you’re dealing with a movie based off a universally panned novel, based off of bad Twilight fan fiction.
I also have to mention this Christian Grey. Holy hell, what an unlikable asshole, and not just an asshole, but a BORING asshole. This character is one of the worst things ever inflicted upon my senses in a major motion picture.
I don’t blame the actor as many other reviewers have done, not that he helped much mind you, but this character is just so thinly written, and such an emotionally immature and generally detached douchebag.
Also. It. Is. So. Tedious. And. Kind. Of. Annoying. When. Every. Word. You. Say. Is. Said. In. A. Lifeless. Robotic. Monotone. Delivery.
I feel the need to vent with the ladies of the world here. If this is what’s considered the ideal fantasy mate for women nowadays, we’d all be better off if our daughters grow up to be either nuns or lesbians.
50 Shades of Grey gets a zero out of five: DREADFUL.